Some days my heart refuses to be content. Like an unruly child my emotions fire every which way and I am left feeling like all I want is somebody to tell me how special I am then provide me with a detailed map of what I am supposed to do next in my life. I want some sign from above that rocks my very soul and plants my feet firmly in truth. I want to be filled with a sense of urgency and the vision to see where I must go. Instead, I am left with apathy and a puzzle box filled with discarded, jumbled-up pieces of hopes and dreams. My soul hungers for more and yet I feed it only the bare minimum. This spiritual anorexia is to keep me from feeling pain because how can you hurt when you are blissfully unaware? “The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.” (Ecclesiastes 1:18 NLT) Wisdom opens up my eyes and by extension my heart. This delicate part of me feels as though it cannot take anymore pain but starving it keeps me from feeling anything at all. I continue to drift in a haze of ignorance.
God, You lay before me blessing after blessing and I am left feeling so completely undeserving. My behavior has not warranted being rewarded with such extraordinary love. All You want is for me to set aside my pride and my fear. You want me to embrace knowledge and embrace the gift of compassion You gave me. If my heart bleeds for those that suffer how much more has Your heart bled for me as I have flailed between belief and unbelief? You allowed Your son’s blood to be spilled for me. How can I even repay that? If You were simply a man I knew that had given up his son’s life for me, I would have no idea how to even make things right.
That is the flawed logic in my thinking: I cannot make things right.
Your grace needs to be enough. That is the only way to make things right: taking our broken hearts to You to be mended is all You want. We are enough as long as our belief is real and our hearts are genuine. Lord, let me simply collapse in Your arms and rest. I am exhausted from chasing the wind and all I want to do is chase You. Enable me to overcome the severe case of apathy I have let dwell in my heart and reignite my passion. The world needs compassionate people on fire for the Creator of all things.
“‘Go out and stand before me on the mountain,’ the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper.”-1 Kings 19:11-12